Murphy's Law and Children of Hoarders

In an excellent example of Murphy's Law or the malign effect of Friday the 13th, the day that The New York Times linked to my blog is the same day that Google/Blogger had major technical difficulties, and several of my posts and reader comments disappeared somewhere into cyberspace. Fortunately, it looks like most things have now been restored, though a few comments and sidebar links still are missing.

Children of Hoarders in The New York Times

A very exciting day here for Children of Hoarders! The New York Times just published an article about the experiences of people who were raised in a home with a parent who hoards. Kudos to Steven Kurutz for a fine bit of reporting, one that avoids easy sensationalism and that fairly presents our experiences.

I almost dropped my coffee cup on my keyboard when I saw that the article contained a link to my humble, sporadically updated blog, even though I wasn't interviewed for the article. Either Mr. Kurutz does his research very thoroughly, or some of the other children of hoarders (COH, for short) must have mentioned it to him. In any case, thank you, Mr. Kurutz, for mentioning my blog.

For those of you who are new to this site, here are some links to a few posts that have generated a lot of feedback from readers:

• An Open Door - My first post. It outlines the basics of the "children of hoarders" experience from my perspective. I wrote it less than a year after my mother had a medical emergency at her house, and her hoarding complicated her rescue.
• The Hallway - The post that has received the most attention, likely due to the linked video that described the experience of finding my mom collapsed from a stroke and near death in her hoard. It explains a potential consequence of the "go slow" method of trying to help a hoarder to improve their living conditions when they are very resistant to change. That's not to say that dramatic interventions involving municipal authorities are "good" solutions; it's just that sometimes there aren't any good solutions.
• A Trip to the ER - A post that gives an example of a curious speech pattern that many children of hoarders believe is related to hoarding behavior: just as hoarding seems to be driven by an inability to decide which objects are important/valuable and which objects are trash or unneeded clutter, many hoarders seem unable to identify which parts of a story are important, and which parts are incidental. As a result, what for most people would be a thirty second comment about going to the store or making dinner becomes a lengthy tale involving the neighbors, the cat, the guy down the street, and the green car that drove by the day before when told by some hoarders.
• There are also a few posts where other children of hoarders and I try to come up with advice to a fifteen year old child of a hoarder. What would we have wanted (needed!) to hear when we were that age? See the comments to the individual blog posts for some great ideas. (What Would You Say to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder? and Advice to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder)

...which raises an important point, I think. The comments on my blog posts are at least as interesting as the posts themselves, so I encourage you to read them and learn what other children of hoarders are thinking.

A lot has happened in the last couple of years, particularly involving providing elder care / medical care for my mom, as well as the logistics of addressing a house that has fallen into stark disrepair after many years of a hoarder refusing to allow anyone inside to fix things when they break. Look for more posts about these topics soon. Pictures and video, too!

Finally, as a child of a hoarder, I can't overstate how useful the online support groups run by Children of Hoarders, Inc. have been to me and many others. Please visit ChildrenOfHoarders.com or their public Facebook page for more info. If you are a child of a hoarder yourself, check out their private Yahoo Support Group. COH Inc is also on twitter. Hey, I am, too!

Thanks for stopping by, and I hope that you will visit again.

PS. Be sure to check out some great blogs by other children of hoarders: Tetanus Burger, Inheriting the Hoard, Navigating Chaos, Nice Children Stolen From Car, RareNest, Jessie Sholl's Blog, and many others listed at the Children of Hoarders site. Also, if you use Facebook, check out the Children of Hoarders Facebook Page!

Advice to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder

One of the members of the Yahoo Group for Adult Children of Hoarders just sent me an email with a comment on my previous post.

The comment had so much good advice that I think it deserves a post of its own. Here it is (posted with permission from the original author):

Advice to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder

I could have very well written that post some 39 years ago when I was 15. Augh! How is that EVEN possible that much time has slipped away! I probably did write something like that in the form of a journal entry when I was 15. Although, at that time there was nobody to read it (or so I thought). At that age, I thought that NOBODY could have possibly understood.

It is so good that you are reaching out at this age to others, though! Life is so short and I SO wish I had been able to speak out earlier on in my life and started shedding light on a subject that kept me TRULY in the dark for far too long.

You are at a GREAT advantage of having the Internet to talk to such a wide group of people and to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Seriously, I used to think I was a mutant – a secretive hoard dweller who lived a duel life. I was always the guardian of THE SECRET and, man, was that DRAINING! I mean, it’s hard enough to just BE a teenager and deal with all of the crap those years throw your way, let alone having to essentially BE the adult in your interactions with your mom. Sigh.. and there was always that nagging fear that, somehow genetically destined to become my mother. As much as I loved my mom, I truly did not want to BECOME her, you know?

I hear your “wise beyond your years” voice clearly in your message. I can tell that, although you are suffering, ashamed and frustrated beyond belief, you have a good head on your shoulders. As such, I feel that I can talk straight to you and not sugar coat the facts too much. Please, if you get NOTHING else from my words, please read, re-read and try to TRULY “get” this first morsel of hard-earned wisdom:

1. In life, the ONLY person you ever have any control over is yourself.

You can choose to let your mom’s condition define you and always live in the shadow of her mountain of crap or you can become the absolute happiest and healthiest person YOU can be in spite of it all... You cannot change your mom. You can’t. That is up to her and ONLY her. You have a bit longer to live there and I know that environment is pretty awful. There IS a wonderful, clutter-free life possible out there waiting for you.

2. Your mom isn’t doing this to make your life miserable.

Folks are still debating about the details of this, but I think we can all safely say that NOBODY (in their right mind, that is) would choose to live like this. She’s sick. I know it’s hard, but please remember that.

3. It sucks to be a child of a hoarder.

Life isn’t fair sometimes. It simply SUCKS to be a COH. You are the daughter. She is the mom. Yet, part of you has never truly gotten to be a kid for very long I suspect? You never get the benefit of being “taken care of” in every sense of the word. Life is full of such secrecy, shame and a whole bunch of other emotional landmines when you’re a COH. Later on, society is gonna tell you it’s your duty to take care of your mom. That sucks too! HOW can you take care of someone who doesn’t acknowledge there is even a problem? HOW can you clear their homes when they fill it up as quickly as you clean it up? HOW can you reason with someone who is NOT reasonable? HOW can you make sense of the senseless? Man, it just sucks — pure and NOT so simply! Sad chuckle. I guess that doesn’t make you feel better, but it SURE does feel good to say out loud that it sucks. Try it. Write it! Say it out to a friend. Move OUT of the shadows and put some light on that truth, hon.

4. You are MORE than a COH.

So, I’ve given you all of this “it sucks” stuff and you probably are well aware of that already. The good news, though, is that you TRULY have the possibility for a great life ahead of you. You can move beyond your childhood home. For now, it may only be in your mind. That’s what I did. I wrote and drew during those late teen years and got in touch with all of the emotions I was experiencing. I SO wish I had other folks to talk to at that time. I studied like hell, got a college degree and found a niche for myself beyond my childhood home. Now, people come to my home and say I should charge for the sanctuary they experience here. I mean, how COOL is that?! I am JUST NOW beginning to reach out to others via my writing, though, after SOOOOOOOOO many years of hiding. I can’t tell you how happy I get when someone says that something I have written brings them joy or a bit of “ah-ha”. That is BEYOND COOL.

Perhaps I’m delusional (a distinct possibility), but I do believe that fellow COH are some of the most articulate and truly smart people I have met. Many COH seem to truly “get” that it is the “small things in life” and the people that we love that bring the greatest joy. Things do NOT replace people. That is NO minor truth, you know? Yes, our empathy meters tend to run on the high side sometimes. However, when I look at how so many people bump about life like emotional zombies, I think that might not be such a bad thing…

Find your passion and grow it! Don’t hide in the shadows, afraid of what someone else will think. You are WORTHY of being seen, loved and appreciated.

5.True friends won’t judge you.

I know this whole secret seems like the HUGEST, darkest, ugliest thing in the world that you are keeping from friends. And, my journal from when I was a teenager reminds me that at your age, EVERYTHING seems (and IS) intense. Trust me, EVERYONE has secrets. Everyone has a family member (or in my case, the whole tree) who is a tad nuts. If someone is a true friend, they won’t judge you. Oh, they MAY roll their eyes and they might keep their distance (at first as their brains try to wrap around the idea), but true friends won’t dump you because your mom is a hoarder. More people are getting familiar with the concept of hoarding, in great part to the whole current trend of reality tv. It’s not like she collects body parts in her freezer, right? She doesn’t have small children caged in your basement?

That’s NOT to diminish what you are going through, though. No, not at all. It IS a bad situation – without a doubt. But you do have to keep it all into perspective. I know that’s hard. There ARE worse things than being a hoarder. It does sound like you have a reasonable relationship with your mom and that’s a good thing. You have something positive to hang on to and to build on.

Most of us COH are JUST NOW (or very recently) stepping out of the shadows and finding light on this matter. You are SO ahead of the rest of us by asking for advice at 15.

Sending you a cyber hug and a wee song from Lady Gaga that speaks to my heart. Maybe you might find a bit of solace in it too. The video kinda sucks for this song, but I do so love the lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03hRtP5fNgc&feature=related

Don’t give up - Virginia

Virginia, thank you for sharing your thoughts!

What Would You Say to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder?

An anonymous, fifteen year old child of a hoarder recently commented on my very first blog post. I've copied the comment and parts of my response below.

If you are a child of a hoarder (COH), and you are older than fifteen years old, what do you know now about hoarding and being a COH that you wish you knew when you were fifteen?

Here is the original comment:

I'm fifteen year old and my mom is a hoarder as well. People have no idea how hard it is to grow up like this. We have pathways to each room of the house. My room, the bathroom, and the kitchen are the only room without useless clutter. I can't have my friends over, and I haven't had a birthday party since I was seven because of all this mess. I've known my bestfriend for SIX YEARS and she's never stepped foot in my house. Never once... It's very depressing. My mom is great and I love her to death, but this has to stop. I don't know how I can get it through her head! She blames things on to me when they ARE NOT my fault. "You won't help me clean the house! That's why it's like this!" Nothing in the livingroom is mine except for probably clean laundry that I don't know is in there.. She was never like this when I was younger.. She started renting a building, she always wanted to have a store. So she'd go to yard sales, thrift stores, ect. buying needless junk. She'd say "Oh, I'm buying this for my store!" Yeah right.. She's been renting that building for about six years now, $300 a month.. Ugh. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to be a sophmore in highschool next year. I'm going to be sixteen in September. I atleast want to have the house cleaned up and be able to have friends over... Sigh, I don't know what to do...

Here is what I wrote back to her:

Everything that you wrote sounds so familiar to me, right down to the part about mom saying, "You won't help me clean the house! That's why it's like this!" My mom used to say things like, "The house would be fine, if I could only get some cooperation from you people!" To her, cooperation seemed to mean sitting next to her for hours while she picked up a stack of magazines that the cat knocked down, stopping to read every one of them (or at least as many as she could until she got tired), and then maybe putting one or two (out of a pile of hundreds) into a recycling bin, which somehow would never make it out the door. I only let a friend in my house once as a kid, and I was punished for it. I never had a friend in the house as a teenager, and now, years later, some of my old classmates still think of me as "the kid who never let anyone in his house."

When I was fifteen, I thought that I was the only person in the world who was growing up that way, and I was so ashamed of my house. On the bright side, you know that you aren't alone! While it's sad that there are a lot of us "children of hoarders," at least we can reach out and support each other!

There are a few things that I wish I knew when I was fifteen:

1) Hoarding is a psychological condition that usually is very difficult to treat. It's not a matter of a hoarder being lazy or sloppy. It's a matter of not processing information the same way that most other people process it, and it's very hard to change the way someone is "wired." Don't expect your mom to change her behavior overnight!

2) Someone on a support group for children of hoarders once said, "Remember, our parents living conditions never were, are not now, and never will be, our fault. We didn't cause it. We don't need to carry any guilt for it." So true! Since the worst of my mom's hoarding started after I was born, and I knew that when my older sisters were little, the house was messy, but it was manageable enough that they could have birthday parties and friends visit, I was convinced that the mess was my fault. It was quite a relief to learn later that it wasn't my fault! Unfortunately, even after learning that, it took me years to realize that I couldn't fix the problem by "helping" to clean up or fix up the house. Again, my mom has a psychological problem; she is not lazy or stupid.

3) You have a right to live your own life, to have your own goals, and to pursue your own happiness. Do not get caught up in trying to "fix" everything in your mom's house if there is no sign of real progress, particularly if you notice that trying to help your mom interferes with you doing important things in your life that you want to do.

4) I wish that I could say that there is a good chance of getting the house quickly to a state where your friends could visit. There probably isn't, at least not without support from others, including professionals. Also, to be successful, your mom has to want to change.

What do the rest of you think? What kind of advice would you give to an anonymous, fifteen year old child of a hoarder?

Update: After writing this post, I received a very thoughtful comment about it via email. It was so good that I decided to add a whole, new post about it!

Screaming Fleas and Possible Help for Hoarders

I received the email below from a television producer who is working on a documentary series about compulsive hoarding. If it holds true to the spirit that the producer describes, this could be a welcome and worthwhile effort that will help raise awareness of hoarding. Of course, I can't endorse the project until we see what comes out of the editing room, but if you're interested in participating, please contact the producer directly.

Dear Hoarderson,

I am working on a groundbreaking new documentary series on compulsive hoarding that will provide a team of professionals that can help those in need get started cleaning their home, no matter how big or full. Right now I am in the process of connecting with companies and professionals who have experience dealing with compulsive hoarders and who may be able to refer them to me. I came across your blog and thought you might be interested in passing our contact information along via the website.

We are not trying to exploit or paint anyone in a bad light. We’re trying to spread awareness and understanding of this underreported disorder. We’re looking for compulsive hoarders who are at a crisis point, and need to make a change in their lives. As I mentioned we would provide a therapist, and professional cleaner and/or organizer to guide the guest through this difficult process.

I understand the very personal and private nature of compulsive hoarding, and don’t want to push anyone into doing something they are not comfortable with. We are simply hoping that people will be willing to share their stories so that other compulsive hoarders will realize they aren’t alone and can get the help they need.

Because of the private nature of this disorder, we understand that contact information can’t be given directly to us. So, we just ask that you pass our information along and people can contact me if they are willing to share their stories.

I’ve attached some information on what the show will focus on and who would be a good match for this project. Please don’t hesitate to call if you have any additional questions.

Warm regards,

Abby Lautt
Associate Producer
Screaming Flea Productions
206.763.3383 ext. 239
alautt@sfpseattle.com

Here is the additional information that she mentioned:

HELP FOR COMPULSIVE HOARDERS

Compulsive hoarding is a very serious problem affecting millions of Americans and their friends and families. But little is known about this disorder, and too often hoarders are misunderstood and can’t find the help they need.

We are casting for a groundbreaking new documentary television series that will provide a team of professionals that can help those in need get started cleaning their home, no matter how big or how full. No project is too big. A therapist and/or professional organizer will also be on hand to help guide our guest through this difficult process. Whether or not the guest is ready and able to clean out their entire home in this short period of time, with the assistance and guidance of a professional, they will learn valuable skills which will allow them to complete the task at their own pace and keep them from repeating the hoarding behavior in the future.

We are looking for people (as well as their friends and family if possible) willing to spend 3-5 days sharing their stories in the hopes of raising awareness for this misunderstood and underreported disorder. We understand that compulsive hoarding is an extremely emotional and difficult disorder, and it is our hope that by sharing the personal stories of our guests it will help others realize they are not alone, so they can get the help they need.

We are looking for people whose lives are in crisis because of their compulsive hoarding. The crisis can take an form. For example:

• They are about to lose their homes
• Their spouse is threatening to leave
• They have health issues caused by the chaos
• They have to find tax papers so the IRS doesn’t audit them
• Their kids are threatening to cut them off
• Or any other major issue that can only be resolved by cleaning out their home immediately!

There is no cost to the guest. All clean up services are paid for in exchange for participating in the show. Our hope is that this groundbreaking new documentary television series helps the general public better understand compulsive hoarding while helping compulsive hoarders resolve a crisis.

If you or someone you know is a compulsive hoarder please contact us immediately at: alautt@sfpseattle.com

I understand the private nature of compulsive hoarding and am available to answer any questions or concerns you or your friends and family might have. Please don’t hesitate to contact me, and I will be happy to discuss your concerns. I can be reached directly at: 206-763-3383 ext. 239.

Abby Lautt, Associate Producer
Screaming Flea Productions
206.763.3383 ext. 239
alautt@sfpseattle.com

Marrying a Hoarder?

I’m a member of several Yahoo! Groups devoted to supporting individuals impacted by their own hoarding or hoarding by others. A few days ago, a fellow sent a message to one of the groups, describing his experiences after recently marrying a hoarder, and wondering if things will get better. In addition to her hoarding, his wife appears to suffer from OCD checking behaviors. The hoard is already severe enough that they are trying to keep family from visiting them and discovering their secret. I sent a response based on my experiences as a son of a hoarder, but for some reason, it isn’t getting through to the Yahoo! Group, so I am posting it here:

The time to take care of this is now, as it will only get harder to deal with once your wife is settled into a pattern with you. My mom is a hoarder, and it is amazing how creative a hoarder’s excuses and delaying tactics can be, and when the excuses and delays are accepted, the hoard grows, and the trauma of getting to a more “normal” situation grows with it. You sound like a decent guy, so it can be tempting to take the excuses and delays at face value, but that is a mistake. Hoarders have great difficulty making certain types of judgments, and even if they honestly believe their own excuses, it doesn’t change the basic pattern of behavior. I’ve seen pictures of my childhood home from when my folks were first married, and it wasn’t too bad. Within a few years, however, only a couple of rooms were presentable to family friends, and within a few more years, no one was allowed in the house at all. Try to guess what that means when the furnace breaks or you need a plumber. I’m sure that my dad never expected how bad things would get with my mom’s hoard.

As an aside, if you are planning on having children, please give serious thought to the impact that growing up in a hoarding environment can have on a child. I spent my youth hiding from people when the doorbell rang, making excuses to friends and relatives about why they couldn’t come and visit, getting teased constantly by all the other kids in the neighborhood, and a lot of things that are much worse and can echo well into adulthood. Also, hoarding parents often use the kids as excuses, e.g. “Well, it’s hard to get things cleaned up and squared away when the kids running around.” Many kids hear stuff like that, and end up thinking that the hoard is their fault and feeling guilty. I was probably twelve years old before I realized that I didn’t cause the hoard and that I wasn’t the reason we couldn’t have repairmen in the house to fix things when they broke.

-HS

The fellow indicated that his wife was not likely to see a therapist, so I sent a second message (which did get through), listing a few self-help resources:

On a cheerier note than my last email, since your wife isn’t ready to see a therapist, there is a pretty good book called Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior, by Jeffrey M. Schwartz and Beverly Beyette.

It goes into some of the “cognitive-behavioral” self-help methods for people with OCD. Even though there is some controversy over whether hoarding really is OCD or something else, the methods described in the book seem like they would be helpful in a lot of situations where someone is trying to change some difficult patterns of behavior.

The Children of Hoarders support group has a list of some other books that might be helpful over at Amazon: http://astore.amazon.com/childrenofhoa-20/105-1108927-2012454

-HS

A Trip to the E.R.

(Note: I also posted this on the Children of Hoarders Yahoo! Group earlier today.)

My mom went to the hospital around 11 PM last night, complaining of severe pain in her hands, arms, and sides, and feeling extremely warm, even though her bedroom was fairly cool. Now, my mom has had strokes and fought hard against getting an ambulance and going to the emergency room, but this time around, she thought it made sense to go, so I figured it must be serious. (I live a few hours away from her, so I get my clues where I can.)

My sister got to the hospital around midnight, and sat with my mom through the blood drawing, the Q&A with nurses and doctors, and then, just as she was figuring that it was time to go home and come back in the morning (it was around 2 AM), the emergency room doc came in and gave my mom some Tylenol and discharged her without further explanation. (Not going to go into details, but the doc seemed to be a real piece of work.) My sister asked the doc if he noticed that mom can't walk, mom is now pushing 200 lbs, and that sis is a petite 5 foot 2. Long story short, they had to arrange a medical transport service to take her home. By then it was a little after 4 AM.

Here's where it gets good:

When the doc gave her Tylenol, my mom wouldn't take it at first, because "I never take that kind of stuff." Nope. Not Tylenol, not aspirin...nothing. "Drugs" upset her body. "I don't want those chemicals in me." Of course, she'll take any supplement that she hears about on the radio or TV, by the fistful, but she won't take a pain killer when she's in pain. She says, "I'm a SURVIVOR! I adapt!" (She places extra, almost pouty, emphasis on each syllable of "survivor," like she's proud that she doesn't take appropriate action. She said the same thing when we were kids, and we couldn't let a repairman into the house to fix little things like ovens, furnaces, water heaters, refrigerators, etc.)

Anyway, back to the story...

We've discussed on the message board how hoarders appear to have some very distinctive speech patterns, like not being able to distinguish between critical information and ephemera, taking ten minutes to say something that could be said in one minute, due to unnecessary detail, etc., etc. Well, at 4:20 AM, my mom called me to tell me that she was back home.

She told me all about the ambulance driver, whose "name was Jeff -- isn't that something? What a coincidence! Another Jeff!"

Jeff, a very unusual name, of course, was the name of one of the kids I hung out with in high school, oh, 25 years ago.

"Jeff and the other guy were so funny; we had a good time! He lives in Springfield. I wonder if they know so-and-so."

Then she switched gears, and told me that she heard a little kid crying in the emergency room. "Gee, I wonder what was the matter with him. I didn't get a look at him, but I could hear his parents. They had some kind of an accent. I don't know where they were from. There was a lady who looked like she might have broken her arm, too, but she didn't look like she was in much pain. I had it worse than her, I think."

You get the picture. I managed to get a word in edgewise, and asked her, "Well, how about YOU? How are YOU? What did the doctor say?" Another roundabout story of how even her cat knew something was wrong with her, since he kept looking at her funny, etc. etc., and that she had dinner a little late, etc. Finally, I said, "Mom, it's 4:30 AM. Are you OK?" Like usual, her response to a direct question is, "Well, I have to tell you the story." "No, Mom, the ambulance driver's home town is not 'the story,' your health is the story. It's after 4:30 AM. Tell me if you are in any pain, or tell me if you are still overheated." After about two or three tries, I interrupted and said, "Obviously, if you are well enough to talk about the cat, I can go back to sleep now."

"Oh. Okay. Boy, your sister was bent out of joint."

Me: "Mom!"

"Are you coming down to see me today?"

Me: "You're fine, I'm going to go to work. Bye."

"Oh, everyone is in such a hurry!"

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another day in the life of a COH...