Tracy's Story

A bit of COH history: one of the people mentioned in the recent New York Times article about children of hoarders, Tracy Schroeder, had a galvanizing impact on the Children of Hoarders community.

She shared her heart wrenching story about her mother's death in squalor in the private COH Yahoo Group, and she was kind (and courageous) enough to allow her story to be republished for everyone to read at the COH website. She also was interviewed on television for a local news program.

While my own mother survived her health crisis, it was a very close call, and my story very easily could have been the same as Tracy's story. Unfortunately, many children of hoarders have similar stories to tell.

Some Comments on the New York Times Article

In addition to the New York Times article that I mentioned earlier, its comment thread is rather interesting and worth a look. I chimed in as follows:

While much of the focus is properly on finding ways to treat hoarders themselves, there seems to have been very little attention paid to the treatment needs of the children of hoarders. Indeed, children of hoarders are often mentioned by professionals as being obstacles and problems, rather than as being people in their own right who are hurting and need support at least as much as the hoarders. From the Children of Hoarders website (childrenofhoarders.com), it is plain that many COH (myself included) have been raised in conditions of harrowing squalor, and such children often suffer from social isolation, social anxiety, poor self esteem, and many other issues that can last far into adulthood. Given that hoarders tend to be rather refractory to treatment, as well as the lengthy time typically required for treatment of hoarders, I'd really like to see clinicians and other professionals thinking more holistically about the entire family, particularly since, from a utilitarian perspective, family members may well be far more open to and benefit more from therapy and support than the hoarder is likely to benefit, at least in the short term. The short term is particularly important here, since, for a child of a hoarder, the short term may well encompass critical development periods such as early childhood, adolescence, etc.

Dr. Randy Frost, the co-author of "Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things", responded to my comment as follows:

You raise a great point. Most of the research has focused on the people who hoard and not on family members. We've done one study of family members and have another under way, but virtually nothing has been done on developing treatments or support groups for them. I believe this will happen. There is such a great deal of research on hoarding now that it is only a matter of time.

Someday...

Murphy's Law and Children of Hoarders

In an excellent example of Murphy's Law or the malign effect of Friday the 13th, the day that The New York Times linked to my blog is the same day that Google/Blogger had major technical difficulties, and several of my posts and reader comments disappeared somewhere into cyberspace. Fortunately, it looks like most things have now been restored, though a few comments and sidebar links still are missing.

Children of Hoarders in The New York Times

A very exciting day here for Children of Hoarders! The New York Times just published an article about the experiences of people who were raised in a home with a parent who hoards. Kudos to Steven Kurutz for a fine bit of reporting, one that avoids easy sensationalism and that fairly presents our experiences.

I almost dropped my coffee cup on my keyboard when I saw that the article contained a link to my humble, sporadically updated blog, even though I wasn't interviewed for the article. Either Mr. Kurutz does his research very thoroughly, or some of the other children of hoarders (COH, for short) must have mentioned it to him. In any case, thank you, Mr. Kurutz, for mentioning my blog.

For those of you who are new to this site, here are some links to a few posts that have generated a lot of feedback from readers:

• An Open Door - My first post. It outlines the basics of the "children of hoarders" experience from my perspective. I wrote it less than a year after my mother had a medical emergency at her house, and her hoarding complicated her rescue.
• The Hallway - The post that has received the most attention, likely due to the linked video that described the experience of finding my mom collapsed from a stroke and near death in her hoard. It explains a potential consequence of the "go slow" method of trying to help a hoarder to improve their living conditions when they are very resistant to change. That's not to say that dramatic interventions involving municipal authorities are "good" solutions; it's just that sometimes there aren't any good solutions.
• A Trip to the ER - A post that gives an example of a curious speech pattern that many children of hoarders believe is related to hoarding behavior: just as hoarding seems to be driven by an inability to decide which objects are important/valuable and which objects are trash or unneeded clutter, many hoarders seem unable to identify which parts of a story are important, and which parts are incidental. As a result, what for most people would be a thirty second comment about going to the store or making dinner becomes a lengthy tale involving the neighbors, the cat, the guy down the street, and the green car that drove by the day before when told by some hoarders.
• There are also a few posts where other children of hoarders and I try to come up with advice to a fifteen year old child of a hoarder. What would we have wanted (needed!) to hear when we were that age? See the comments to the individual blog posts for some great ideas. (What Would You Say to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder? and Advice to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder)

...which raises an important point, I think. The comments on my blog posts are at least as interesting as the posts themselves, so I encourage you to read them and learn what other children of hoarders are thinking.

A lot has happened in the last couple of years, particularly involving providing elder care / medical care for my mom, as well as the logistics of addressing a house that has fallen into stark disrepair after many years of a hoarder refusing to allow anyone inside to fix things when they break. Look for more posts about these topics soon. Pictures and video, too!

Finally, as a child of a hoarder, I can't overstate how useful the online support groups run by Children of Hoarders, Inc. have been to me and many others. Please visit ChildrenOfHoarders.com or their public Facebook page for more info. If you are a child of a hoarder yourself, check out their private Yahoo Support Group. COH Inc is also on twitter. Hey, I am, too!

Thanks for stopping by, and I hope that you will visit again.

PS. Be sure to check out some great blogs by other children of hoarders: Tetanus Burger, Inheriting the Hoard, Navigating Chaos, Nice Children Stolen From Car, RareNest, Jessie Sholl's Blog, and many others listed at the Children of Hoarders site. Also, if you use Facebook, check out the Children of Hoarders Facebook Page!

Advice to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder

One of the members of the Yahoo Group for Adult Children of Hoarders just sent me an email with a comment on my previous post.

The comment had so much good advice that I think it deserves a post of its own. Here it is (posted with permission from the original author):

Advice to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder

I could have very well written that post some 39 years ago when I was 15. Augh! How is that EVEN possible that much time has slipped away! I probably did write something like that in the form of a journal entry when I was 15. Although, at that time there was nobody to read it (or so I thought). At that age, I thought that NOBODY could have possibly understood.

It is so good that you are reaching out at this age to others, though! Life is so short and I SO wish I had been able to speak out earlier on in my life and started shedding light on a subject that kept me TRULY in the dark for far too long.

You are at a GREAT advantage of having the Internet to talk to such a wide group of people and to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Seriously, I used to think I was a mutant – a secretive hoard dweller who lived a duel life. I was always the guardian of THE SECRET and, man, was that DRAINING! I mean, it’s hard enough to just BE a teenager and deal with all of the crap those years throw your way, let alone having to essentially BE the adult in your interactions with your mom. Sigh.. and there was always that nagging fear that, somehow genetically destined to become my mother. As much as I loved my mom, I truly did not want to BECOME her, you know?

I hear your “wise beyond your years” voice clearly in your message. I can tell that, although you are suffering, ashamed and frustrated beyond belief, you have a good head on your shoulders. As such, I feel that I can talk straight to you and not sugar coat the facts too much. Please, if you get NOTHING else from my words, please read, re-read and try to TRULY “get” this first morsel of hard-earned wisdom:

1. In life, the ONLY person you ever have any control over is yourself.

You can choose to let your mom’s condition define you and always live in the shadow of her mountain of crap or you can become the absolute happiest and healthiest person YOU can be in spite of it all... You cannot change your mom. You can’t. That is up to her and ONLY her. You have a bit longer to live there and I know that environment is pretty awful. There IS a wonderful, clutter-free life possible out there waiting for you.

2. Your mom isn’t doing this to make your life miserable.

Folks are still debating about the details of this, but I think we can all safely say that NOBODY (in their right mind, that is) would choose to live like this. She’s sick. I know it’s hard, but please remember that.

3. It sucks to be a child of a hoarder.

Life isn’t fair sometimes. It simply SUCKS to be a COH. You are the daughter. She is the mom. Yet, part of you has never truly gotten to be a kid for very long I suspect? You never get the benefit of being “taken care of” in every sense of the word. Life is full of such secrecy, shame and a whole bunch of other emotional landmines when you’re a COH. Later on, society is gonna tell you it’s your duty to take care of your mom. That sucks too! HOW can you take care of someone who doesn’t acknowledge there is even a problem? HOW can you clear their homes when they fill it up as quickly as you clean it up? HOW can you reason with someone who is NOT reasonable? HOW can you make sense of the senseless? Man, it just sucks — pure and NOT so simply! Sad chuckle. I guess that doesn’t make you feel better, but it SURE does feel good to say out loud that it sucks. Try it. Write it! Say it out to a friend. Move OUT of the shadows and put some light on that truth, hon.

4. You are MORE than a COH.

So, I’ve given you all of this “it sucks” stuff and you probably are well aware of that already. The good news, though, is that you TRULY have the possibility for a great life ahead of you. You can move beyond your childhood home. For now, it may only be in your mind. That’s what I did. I wrote and drew during those late teen years and got in touch with all of the emotions I was experiencing. I SO wish I had other folks to talk to at that time. I studied like hell, got a college degree and found a niche for myself beyond my childhood home. Now, people come to my home and say I should charge for the sanctuary they experience here. I mean, how COOL is that?! I am JUST NOW beginning to reach out to others via my writing, though, after SOOOOOOOOO many years of hiding. I can’t tell you how happy I get when someone says that something I have written brings them joy or a bit of “ah-ha”. That is BEYOND COOL.

Perhaps I’m delusional (a distinct possibility), but I do believe that fellow COH are some of the most articulate and truly smart people I have met. Many COH seem to truly “get” that it is the “small things in life” and the people that we love that bring the greatest joy. Things do NOT replace people. That is NO minor truth, you know? Yes, our empathy meters tend to run on the high side sometimes. However, when I look at how so many people bump about life like emotional zombies, I think that might not be such a bad thing…

Find your passion and grow it! Don’t hide in the shadows, afraid of what someone else will think. You are WORTHY of being seen, loved and appreciated.

5.True friends won’t judge you.

I know this whole secret seems like the HUGEST, darkest, ugliest thing in the world that you are keeping from friends. And, my journal from when I was a teenager reminds me that at your age, EVERYTHING seems (and IS) intense. Trust me, EVERYONE has secrets. Everyone has a family member (or in my case, the whole tree) who is a tad nuts. If someone is a true friend, they won’t judge you. Oh, they MAY roll their eyes and they might keep their distance (at first as their brains try to wrap around the idea), but true friends won’t dump you because your mom is a hoarder. More people are getting familiar with the concept of hoarding, in great part to the whole current trend of reality tv. It’s not like she collects body parts in her freezer, right? She doesn’t have small children caged in your basement?

That’s NOT to diminish what you are going through, though. No, not at all. It IS a bad situation – without a doubt. But you do have to keep it all into perspective. I know that’s hard. There ARE worse things than being a hoarder. It does sound like you have a reasonable relationship with your mom and that’s a good thing. You have something positive to hang on to and to build on.

Most of us COH are JUST NOW (or very recently) stepping out of the shadows and finding light on this matter. You are SO ahead of the rest of us by asking for advice at 15.

Sending you a cyber hug and a wee song from Lady Gaga that speaks to my heart. Maybe you might find a bit of solace in it too. The video kinda sucks for this song, but I do so love the lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03hRtP5fNgc&feature=related

Don’t give up - Virginia

Virginia, thank you for sharing your thoughts!

What Would You Say to a Fifteen Year Old Child of a Hoarder?

An anonymous, fifteen year old child of a hoarder recently commented on my very first blog post. I've copied the comment and parts of my response below.

If you are a child of a hoarder (COH), and you are older than fifteen years old, what do you know now about hoarding and being a COH that you wish you knew when you were fifteen?

Here is the original comment:

I'm fifteen year old and my mom is a hoarder as well. People have no idea how hard it is to grow up like this. We have pathways to each room of the house. My room, the bathroom, and the kitchen are the only room without useless clutter. I can't have my friends over, and I haven't had a birthday party since I was seven because of all this mess. I've known my bestfriend for SIX YEARS and she's never stepped foot in my house. Never once... It's very depressing. My mom is great and I love her to death, but this has to stop. I don't know how I can get it through her head! She blames things on to me when they ARE NOT my fault. "You won't help me clean the house! That's why it's like this!" Nothing in the livingroom is mine except for probably clean laundry that I don't know is in there.. She was never like this when I was younger.. She started renting a building, she always wanted to have a store. So she'd go to yard sales, thrift stores, ect. buying needless junk. She'd say "Oh, I'm buying this for my store!" Yeah right.. She's been renting that building for about six years now, $300 a month.. Ugh. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to be a sophmore in highschool next year. I'm going to be sixteen in September. I atleast want to have the house cleaned up and be able to have friends over... Sigh, I don't know what to do...

Here is what I wrote back to her:

Everything that you wrote sounds so familiar to me, right down to the part about mom saying, "You won't help me clean the house! That's why it's like this!" My mom used to say things like, "The house would be fine, if I could only get some cooperation from you people!" To her, cooperation seemed to mean sitting next to her for hours while she picked up a stack of magazines that the cat knocked down, stopping to read every one of them (or at least as many as she could until she got tired), and then maybe putting one or two (out of a pile of hundreds) into a recycling bin, which somehow would never make it out the door. I only let a friend in my house once as a kid, and I was punished for it. I never had a friend in the house as a teenager, and now, years later, some of my old classmates still think of me as "the kid who never let anyone in his house."

When I was fifteen, I thought that I was the only person in the world who was growing up that way, and I was so ashamed of my house. On the bright side, you know that you aren't alone! While it's sad that there are a lot of us "children of hoarders," at least we can reach out and support each other!

There are a few things that I wish I knew when I was fifteen:

1) Hoarding is a psychological condition that usually is very difficult to treat. It's not a matter of a hoarder being lazy or sloppy. It's a matter of not processing information the same way that most other people process it, and it's very hard to change the way someone is "wired." Don't expect your mom to change her behavior overnight!

2) Someone on a support group for children of hoarders once said, "Remember, our parents living conditions never were, are not now, and never will be, our fault. We didn't cause it. We don't need to carry any guilt for it." So true! Since the worst of my mom's hoarding started after I was born, and I knew that when my older sisters were little, the house was messy, but it was manageable enough that they could have birthday parties and friends visit, I was convinced that the mess was my fault. It was quite a relief to learn later that it wasn't my fault! Unfortunately, even after learning that, it took me years to realize that I couldn't fix the problem by "helping" to clean up or fix up the house. Again, my mom has a psychological problem; she is not lazy or stupid.

3) You have a right to live your own life, to have your own goals, and to pursue your own happiness. Do not get caught up in trying to "fix" everything in your mom's house if there is no sign of real progress, particularly if you notice that trying to help your mom interferes with you doing important things in your life that you want to do.

4) I wish that I could say that there is a good chance of getting the house quickly to a state where your friends could visit. There probably isn't, at least not without support from others, including professionals. Also, to be successful, your mom has to want to change.

What do the rest of you think? What kind of advice would you give to an anonymous, fifteen year old child of a hoarder?

Update: After writing this post, I received a very thoughtful comment about it via email. It was so good that I decided to add a whole, new post about it!

Screaming Fleas and Possible Help for Hoarders

I received the email below from a television producer who is working on a documentary series about compulsive hoarding. If it holds true to the spirit that the producer describes, this could be a welcome and worthwhile effort that will help raise awareness of hoarding. Of course, I can't endorse the project until we see what comes out of the editing room, but if you're interested in participating, please contact the producer directly.

Dear Hoarderson,

I am working on a groundbreaking new documentary series on compulsive hoarding that will provide a team of professionals that can help those in need get started cleaning their home, no matter how big or full. Right now I am in the process of connecting with companies and professionals who have experience dealing with compulsive hoarders and who may be able to refer them to me. I came across your blog and thought you might be interested in passing our contact information along via the website.

We are not trying to exploit or paint anyone in a bad light. We’re trying to spread awareness and understanding of this underreported disorder. We’re looking for compulsive hoarders who are at a crisis point, and need to make a change in their lives. As I mentioned we would provide a therapist, and professional cleaner and/or organizer to guide the guest through this difficult process.

I understand the very personal and private nature of compulsive hoarding, and don’t want to push anyone into doing something they are not comfortable with. We are simply hoping that people will be willing to share their stories so that other compulsive hoarders will realize they aren’t alone and can get the help they need.

Because of the private nature of this disorder, we understand that contact information can’t be given directly to us. So, we just ask that you pass our information along and people can contact me if they are willing to share their stories.

I’ve attached some information on what the show will focus on and who would be a good match for this project. Please don’t hesitate to call if you have any additional questions.

Warm regards,

Abby Lautt
Associate Producer
Screaming Flea Productions
206.763.3383 ext. 239
alautt@sfpseattle.com

Here is the additional information that she mentioned:

HELP FOR COMPULSIVE HOARDERS

Compulsive hoarding is a very serious problem affecting millions of Americans and their friends and families. But little is known about this disorder, and too often hoarders are misunderstood and can’t find the help they need.

We are casting for a groundbreaking new documentary television series that will provide a team of professionals that can help those in need get started cleaning their home, no matter how big or how full. No project is too big. A therapist and/or professional organizer will also be on hand to help guide our guest through this difficult process. Whether or not the guest is ready and able to clean out their entire home in this short period of time, with the assistance and guidance of a professional, they will learn valuable skills which will allow them to complete the task at their own pace and keep them from repeating the hoarding behavior in the future.

We are looking for people (as well as their friends and family if possible) willing to spend 3-5 days sharing their stories in the hopes of raising awareness for this misunderstood and underreported disorder. We understand that compulsive hoarding is an extremely emotional and difficult disorder, and it is our hope that by sharing the personal stories of our guests it will help others realize they are not alone, so they can get the help they need.

We are looking for people whose lives are in crisis because of their compulsive hoarding. The crisis can take an form. For example:

• They are about to lose their homes
• Their spouse is threatening to leave
• They have health issues caused by the chaos
• They have to find tax papers so the IRS doesn’t audit them
• Their kids are threatening to cut them off
• Or any other major issue that can only be resolved by cleaning out their home immediately!

There is no cost to the guest. All clean up services are paid for in exchange for participating in the show. Our hope is that this groundbreaking new documentary television series helps the general public better understand compulsive hoarding while helping compulsive hoarders resolve a crisis.

If you or someone you know is a compulsive hoarder please contact us immediately at: alautt@sfpseattle.com

I understand the private nature of compulsive hoarding and am available to answer any questions or concerns you or your friends and family might have. Please don’t hesitate to contact me, and I will be happy to discuss your concerns. I can be reached directly at: 206-763-3383 ext. 239.

Abby Lautt, Associate Producer
Screaming Flea Productions
206.763.3383 ext. 239
alautt@sfpseattle.com